From early childhood, we are taught right from wrong, what's appropriate behavior, and how to get along with other people. These teachings helped us form healthy relationships and adapt to social situations, but when trauma occurs, we can go out of our way to please others, surpassing a healthy boundary.
Where Does People-Pleasing Begin?
People-pleasing often stems from childhood trauma, such as abandonment, neglect, or disappointment. For example, if a parent was difficult to please, you may have tried to do things for them to gain their approval or to feel worthy of their love and attention.
In addition, children who have experienced neglect or abuse are often more than willing to get on their good side or avoid them altogether to prevent it from re-occurring. This is especially true when there is physical or emotional abuse, as children may want to avoid triggering the anger of a parent.
This dynamic can make it hard for children to speak up, or they may worry about making a parent upset or disappointed. These behaviors often continue with friendships, and then on into adulthood. As an adult, it’s not unusual for people to try to please their bosses, co workers, and even partners they may have.
What Are Some People-Pleasing Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors?
At the expense of not disappointing others, feeling rejected, or avoiding conflict, we often do things for others we don't want to and form these patterns to please others but neglect ourselves.
So, what are some people-pleasing patterns?
· Saying yes to others all the time
· Apologizing even when it's not their fault
· Suppressing their true feelings and emotions
· Constantly worry about how others see them
· Staying in toxic relationships
· Highly sensitive to criticism
· Avoiding disagreement or conflict
· Feeling unworthy of love and respect
How to Stop People-Pleasing Behavior
One of the most vital steps to eliminating people-pleasing behavior is becoming conscious of yourself and making the appropriate changes.
So, how do you make these changes?
Understand that saying no isn't selfish. Saying no to others' requests might be difficult because we feel good helping others and don't want to disappoint them, but at what cost? Remember, we must first take care of ourselves to take care of anyone else. A reasonable person will understand that you can't always say yes. Plus, you're essentially telling yourself that you are worth the self-care.
Let go of self-blame or guilt. You are not responsible for how your parents or other adults treated you as a child. Not to mention that it's justifiable what you needed to do for your self-protection. Therefore, remind yourself that you can't control what happened then but can take control of your life now.
Be your genuine self. Likely, some people in your life don't even know the true you. Therefore, you owe it to yourself to show them. You want people to like you for who you are and not what you do for them. And, you deserve to attract the right people in your life.
Set boundaries. Part of being in a healthy relationship is setting boundaries. As individuals, it is essential that we stress what we do/don't like or what we will/won't accept. That is how you form a mutually respectful relationship with someone and build self-esteem.
Trauma Treatment
Sometimes the root of people pleasing behaviors can be trauma people have been through. It can be hard to undo a lifetime's worth of trauma on our own, and so counseling might be an excellent option to get to the root of your people-pleasing behavior. A therapist can help you make get past and heal from a childhood history you didn't own. They can also teach you ways to set boundaries, help you communicate more effectively with others, and build healthier relationships.