Dating is a walk in the park.
But, if you have an anxious attachment style, that park can often feel like… Jurassic Park.
Meeting new people, your face lighting up at the sound of a text notification, and butterflies in your stomach are all very exciting feelings.
But, they don’t come without thoughts like:
“ I haven’t heard from them in 4 hours, are they mad at me?”
“ They didn’t reply to my text 30 mins ago but they posted an Instagram story 5 minutes ago, they must hate me.”
“ I like them way more than they like me.”
“I’ll never be good enough for them.”
According to the book, Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love, roughly 50% of the population is securely attached, 20% are anxiously attached, 25% are avoidant and 5% are fearful.
What is anxious attachment?
Anxious attachment, sometimes called anxious ambivalent, is one of the three insecure attachment styles developed in early childhood.
What causes anxious attachment?
According to John Bowlby, a psychoanalyst and psychiatrist, a child’s relationship with their caretaker determine how the child will approach relationships and social interactions throughout life.
Anxious attachment most commonly manifests as a result of inconsistent parenting.
Examples of inconsistent parenting:
- Inability to make decisions or provide strong leadership
- Poor boundaries and structure
- Neglect
- Invalidating feelings and experiences
This inconsistency makes the child unsure of what to expect from their parents in the future.
Parents may also use their child as a way to satiate their own desires for love and emotional closeness instead of meeting their child’s needs. This manifests most commonly in overprotective and intrusive parenting.
Signs of an Anxious Attachment Style
- Low self-esteem: inability to think highly of themselves
- Intense fear of abandonment and rejection
- Needing constant reassurance that they are loved
- Intense jealousy
- See themselves as unable to self-regulate
- Opting for self-destructive strategies to cope: ruminating, blaming themselves, wishful thinking
- People pleasing: working tirelessly to be liked and approved by others
- Codependency: over-reliance on a romantic partner for emotional needs
- Tendency to become clingy
How Does an Anxious Attachment Style Show Up in Adults?
People with anxious attachment styles tend to be more insecure about relationships with others, and may find it harder to connect with other people. They also can easily break away from relationships and other situations that would cause securely attached people to have emotional distress. They also tend to be hypervigilant for any sign that a close relationship might be changing, and people may often tell them they are overreacting to simple, innocent things. For example, someone who has an insecure attachment style may have a close friend or a partner who may not instantly respond to calls and text from them. Instead of reassuring themselves that they are probably just busy with something and they will get back to them, someone who has an insecure attachment style may immediately start thinking that they upset their friend or partner, or they may start thinking about how their friend or partner didn’t make eye contact yesterday when they asked them how their day was. They may then start imagining all kinds of scenarios why their friend or partner is upset at them, even though what they come up with sounds farfetched.
Another very common scenario is where someone with an insecure attachment style asks others for frequent reassurance that they still love and care about them. The other person may get annoyed at how often they need reassurance, which in turn can make someone with an insecure attachment style feel guilty and a burden to other people. They may also think their need for frequent reassurance is making the other person more distant from them. These feelings however just increase the need for reassurance from their friend or partner, which creates a cycle that is very hard to stop.
Can you change your attachment style?
Good News. Yes, you can change your attachment style however it does take time and effort. Think about it – your attachment style is a result of years and years of learning how to interact with people, so to change that requires time and patience.
There are a few ways to change your attachment style.
1) Secure Relationships: “Earned security” is a term we use to describe where a relationship with a securely attached person can bring a sense of stability and create emotional closeness. This can cause a shift in personal beliefs and patterns allowing for a secure attachment to develop. In other words, having a positive and trusting relationship with someone as an adult can help us begin to unlearn old beliefs about others and how we relate to them.
2) Independent Self Reflection: You can help heal your insecure attachment style by analyzing the way you show up in your relationships (especially with a romantic partner). By recognizing your personal beliefs in relationships, you can begin to thoughtfully look for opportunities to grow. Journaling and other self-reflection practices can help you make sense of childhood experiences and begin to heal.
3) Talk to a mental health professional: Because attachment styles are so subtle, working with a therapist may be the most beneficial way to make significant improvements in your attachment style and relationships. A therapist can help you see patterns, behaviors, and beliefs that you may not even realize that you have. A therapist can also help you gently begin to change the way you interact with others, in part by practicing different situations with you and seeing what comes up for you as you navigate through those situations.
4) Working through the past: One of the most helpful pieces in learning a new attachment style is making sense of what you experienced as a child. This allows you to develop a coherent narrative about what happened to you as a child, which helps you shift how you feel about yourself and the things that you learned and experienced.